My Diary...

People in my personal life may be mentioned in these entries. click here for the glossary.

I've been wondering since my last diary entry why I act and think the way I do.

I have some pretty severe "trust issues" that I really want to say go as far as to branch into paranoia at that point, even though I know that kind of thing has to be diagnosed by a professional and it's bad to self-diagnose (but what else would I call being unable to go outside without the fear of being hunted and the constant looming feeling that Someone is watching other than paranoia?).

But, I have no reason to be thinking this way. I've technically been betrayed in my life (who hasn't?) but I wouldn't say I've experienced trauma extreme enough to change my perception of human beings as a whole. I'm not too big into psychology or philosophy either, so It's not like I adopted some "human beings are innately selfish and evil" ideology that makes me hate humanity. I don't willingly keep up with the news, so it's not like seeing daily killings and kidnappings and other atrocities made me lose hope in my fellow humans. So why do I feel this way? I've felt it longer than I can remember. I first realized it wasn't normal when I was talking to Sam one day and offhandedly mentioned how nervous I felt in his (or others) houses because I wasn't sure if they had cameras that were watching me anywhere. That feeling never necessarily went away - I continued to feel that way in my own house, even though my family was never big on home security and we would have no reason to have cameras inside our house. It got worse over time. I would attribute that general decline to me beginning to show an interest in scary content that I have since weaned off of out of genuine fear for my own mental health. The breaking point for it might have been when my fear of infohazards (a kind of creepypasta content where just Knowing about the content in question puts you in serious danger) became a legitimate concern of mine that got so bad I started speaking in codes to Sam out of fear that They would be listening. I had to say things like "They know I know and I can't say much because They will hear me" and at that point I knew I was past the point of no return. I swore off consuming any horror media past 5 PM after that incident (that still hasn't resolved itself).

Despite only one big change being able to be given reasoning, all other questions about my fears remain unanswered. Why am I convinced no one around me is real? Why do I think they're all plotting against me, together, controlled by some organization? I can mostly ignore the feeling if I focus on some other things, but it always comes back to that in the end. I always return to that habit of thinking like that. But I can't say any experience I've gone through or person I've known or stories I've heard is what convinced me to begin thinking like this. I want to say my parents did a fine job of raising me without being too helicopter-y (I became anxious and shut-in later in life for unknown reasons - similar to a flower blooming in the opposite direction, I used to be cheerful and friendly and suddenly turned into someone reserved who prefers to be alone) so I don't think their parenting style is to blame. Is there something locked deep away in my head I can't access? I know intense trauma really messes with your memory, but I just don't think that's what happened to me.

I think a lot. I wish there was a way to stop it. I love it - I feel as though thinking deeply about my actions, my words, my feelings, and my subconscious actions and reactions has made me more aware of myself and better as a person. But it's truly troubling just hitting a wall, unable to continue forward because I simply do not know what to do. I don't know how to continue this train of thought. I'm stuck in a rut always circling back to "how did it all begin?".

Finally, god, it's done! My website is past its beta/alpha stage! It would've been such a shorter time period if I wasn't so inclined to draw every single graphic on my website and include a bunch of random and useless pages... but it's done! Yes! Of course, like with any personally upkept website, this thing will always be under construction, but I've at the very least replaced every image with an original one. Some will be getting replaced at some point in the far future (namely the header picture for some of my shrine pages) and I can't say I'm happy with the quality of all of the drawings but I hate drawing so much and I'm so happy it's finally done. The content isn't done, but at least people can go on the website and not see the remnants of the template I used.

I wish my period would hurry up and come. It has been kind of unsycned this year... 3 months no period and then suddenly a period for 11 days when I used to only have them for 4. Now that it's been unpredictable, I get these sudden mood swings (less of a swing more of an extreme depressive and suicidal episode) and I don't know why until I realize I haven't had my period. It's torture! I swear, the more out of sync it is, the worse the mood swings are from the uncertainty or something.

I'm so tired. I'm tired from all the drawing, all the emotional overload, all the extreme dreams I've been having, all the stress of knowing my grandma is coming back soon, all the unexplainable loneliness. I wish I could take some kind of break where all I had to do was sleep and read manga and listen to music. Not have to eat, not have to cook, not have to talk to anyone other than my best friends and we talk about all kinds of fun stuff instead of being sad and anxious and uncomfortable in my own body (for suspected physical disability reasons :/ I somehow fucked my back even worse and now even just lying down hurts).

I'm glad I still have Roblox. Even though my Wi-Fi is so bad I always get disconnected, I have a huge backlog of games to explore and they've all been so much fun. I'm going to make a Roblox games page for my shrines section with a bunch of games I really recommend. Hopefully someone that likes Roblox sees it and gives these games more popularity. I hope I finally focus on my own game now that I'm sort of done drawing for my wesbite. Still needs a ton of work but It's fun to make things! If you're ever considering creating something but still hesitant (for any reason! other than price) then just go do it! It's fun to experiment and explore! The world would be a better place if more people put out more of their experimental projects instead of ultra polished copy and paste slop.

I started this diary thing in hopes to cure my terrible memory (I've heard journaling helps with bad memory and it's been so bad for a while I'm almost scared I'm losing my mind) but it feels like it isn't doing anything. Days pass without me even noticing.

I wish I could get anxiety medication (legally..) without having to go to the therapist about it. I hate that place. But I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't lie down to go to sleep without thinking about someone dying. If I hear the front door to my house open and one of my family members leave, all I can think about until I turn some music on is car crashes, freak accidents, end-of-the-world scenarios.. the worst part of it all is the more I think about it, the more I think it's going to happen. Like I'll manifest the thought into existence and it'll be all my fault. It gets so much worse when I actually leave the house, because now I start feeling like people are targeting me. Every time someone walks behind me I think they're going to pull a gun out on me. I know this kind of thing isn't normal but I don't know what caused me to start thinking like this and I don't know how to make it stop.

It sucks that I consider myself to be such a fan of horror and be burdened with this kind of thought process. I know none of it is real, but just seeing some scary picture is enough to rid me of comfortable sleep for days. It's kind of embarrassing to sleep with a nightlight at 19 years old but without it I wouldn't be able to close my eyes.

Scared of the dark, of thunder, of spooky ghost stories, can't sleep without my stuffie, and any time anyone leaves my sight I assume they've died (no object permanence).. am I a 4 year old in disguise?

Also: I'm getting back into SCP again. Just the right time to, of course.

I'm doing better now I guess?.. I'm not entirely sure what that was but I'm not crying or upset anymore.

My sleep schedule is unforunately terrible though...

I heard my grandma is coming back in 2 weeks. That sucks. I've been staying in her room for about a month because the privacy is nice and I can do whatever I want whenever I want - I don't have to be constrained by my sisters schedule and I don't have to wear pants all the time. I'll have to fix my sleeping schedule very quickly.

I think me and my mom will cook again today. I'm excited! I love cooking new foods.

Also, I've started "playing" the Sims. I downloaded it a long time ago but recently decided I should disregard all shame and make a sim of myself and make me married to whoever I want. My favorite part so far has been finding a bunch of different clothes and accessories and furniture with CustomContent. I can't build anything because I'm reserving the playing and building time for Sam when I visit his house (october) but I'm excited!!!! He's liked the Sims for so long and has always wanted to play with customcontnt and a bunch of different packs but his computers haven't been powerful enough and the packs are all too expensive. I hope we have fun...

I've been doing so terribly. I feel like I need to take a break from everything for a few days. All I've been doing is sleeping, crying, listening to music, with a few minutes of Roblox in between the rest.

I've decided to start updating my diary more often. I told myself, "I shouldn't limit myself to posting when I have something notable to say. A diary should be somewhere where I can say what I'm feeling whenever I'm feeling it." Unfortunately, this means my website will constantly be pushed to the top of the "recently updated" tab on nekoweb, which means there's a higher chance people will look... I'm nervous! The site isnt completely done yet. I am working on it, though. Drawing is a struggle (and animating much more so, since I've never done this before) but I want to hurry up and finish everything. I've kind of been pushing myself.

On a lighter note, I've been listening to so much music. I love music, it makes me so happy. I made an AlbumOfTheYear account and I realized I listen to so much more music than I thought. I love albums!

I'm trying to convince Sam to make his own website. I think it's working, but he seems very admant that using a template somehow makes him a "failure". I hope he will come around... It would be nice to have websites together!

As I suspected, the Minecraft obsession only lasts for so long. I've already given up hope of completing my builds on that world.

I've been playing so much modded Minecraft and Roblox... last months obsession was DG, this time it's regretevator. I just wish Minecraft's 2 week obsession phase stereotype wasn't a real thing... I really love this game. I've been playing it since like 2012 and I find it so entertaining, the addition of mods makes it 50x more fun, but I really just can't bring myself to play on a world for longer than 2 consecutive weeks, even if I set goals for myself (building and exploration related so it doesn't get stale)....

I'm supposed to be starting college for real soon. I need to sign up first, but now there's no imending doom (family trip) to stop me... I'm so nervous. I hope I like school.

The urge to uproot everything on the website and change the entire theme is always annoyingly present.

First post in this thing... I guess it's a little late to post about it now, but the main thing I'm focusing on is making this website, obviously. I enjoy making it. I remember when I was in middle school I tried really hard to learn HTML. Lol... the most that came out of it was me learning the basic text tags (h, p, b, i, u, li, stuff like that) and... br. I think I've officially sworn off it now. It's fun but I don't think I'll ever get anywhere with it. It's way too complicated for me... using pre-made scripts and themes was embarrassing for some reason, but without them, my website would've looked like black text on white background.

Other than that, I've been playing Dream Game alot. I'm sad I got into it at what seems to be a late time, and I'm too scared to talk to anyone in the community (joined the wiki discord to see if I can contribute anything, just to never send a single message.. lol...), but the game itself is very fun to me. Why else would I sink 40+ hours of my life into it?

It feels nice to get my thoughts out like this.