My Diary...

People in my personal life may be mentioned in these entries. click here for the glossary.

extremely fucking long post

It's been a really long time since I updated this. I kept forgetting - nothing of note kept happening in my life other than the same bipolar loop I find myself in a lot. Well, that's not true, really. I guess a lot of really big (relatively, for most people I'm sure) things have happened. I don't think I remember them all, so here's what I do:

thats all thats happened. now for how i feel...

i feel like shit. i'm over at sams house, so i should be having fun, but the moment i got here ive been regretting everything. i want to go home. i want to sleep in my bed. i miss liam. this stupid fucking dog they have here is annoying.... i love dogs, but i dont think i like puppies much. especially very young puppies that were bred in someones backyard and are too young to understand what No and Dont Piss On The Ground and Dont Bite Me Until I Bleed means. hes a lot to deal with. hes cute when hes nice and just licks and sniffs me, but they wont be able to train him to be normal. the little boy in this house loves to roughhouse and he only stops until he bleeds. the dog could have him in a death grab with his jaw clamping on his hand so hard he drags him accross the floor and he'll just say "haha, no no!! go bite your toy instead, not me!!!!" so doing something like giving the dog time out or leaving him outside for being too rough isnt gonna work. he'll know theres a loophole/weakness in the training and stop caring about it.

well, the dog isnt the only reason i dont want to be here. i dont know what it is. i feel so tired and wrong. i cant sleep because the air is so dry (floridian -> new mexico desert) and having a fan on makes it worse, but it gets so hot because the AC isnt automatic (???) that i cant have it off. i feel like im going crazy, because two months with Sam should sound like the best time of my life (and before i came here it really did sound like it, i was crying thinking about having to leave and i hadnt even gone yet!) but now i cry thinking about missing my flight back home.

another thing that i guess has happened is.. dani was gone for about a month and a half... he tells me he was doing military stuff. im keeping it separate from all the other "past happenings" because this description is more.. feelings-oriented rather than a (mostly) objective retelling of what happened since the beginning of 2025. my feelings on it...? i felt weird... when he told me he was going to leave, i couldnt really believe it. i didnt say anything then because im sure hes had enough of hearing about how distrustful i am. also, all the times ive accused him of lying (subconsciously and mentally, something that inevitably leaked into the way i spoke to him, still sorry about it if you see this) never came to fruition. I could never believe that he really liked being around me in any way, so when he would express that he did and also wanted to spend time with me, id get confused and would go kind of insane trying to figure out a logical reason why someone who didnt like me wanted to spend time with me (hint: the answer is NOT that he was manipulating me - something hed have no reason to do since i dont have much worth the effort of manipulating - im quite stupid, a bore to be around, i dont have any money, and getting shitty tit and ass pictures that he couldve gotten from literally anywhere and anyone else better are NOT worth the effort of "acting" like he wanted me for like 2.5 years) and it just usually ended up being a really annoying and recurring problem that, no matter how hard i tried to convince him to let me wallow in my own sadness, he usually refused. until it got too much to deal with and rightfully wanted to stop dealing with it. eventually even I got tired of dealing with my own bullshit and told myself that i just want to believe him. that if he says hes leaving for 2 months just around the time that my birthday is (the first and only birthday hes ever told me to remind him of (forgets a lot)) and comes back around the time my birthday month is over, to just believe him. just say hes teling the truth. ignore mself when i start talking about how hes only leaving because he doesnt want to deal with me on my birthday. and in the end i was right. well, more accurately, i was right to try really hard not to disbelieve him. he came back. he came back and said happy birthday to me, and talked to me for a little (been literally one day). He even came back early - he said he would be gone for 2 months, until the end of june, but hes here about halfway through. im very happy hes back. im quite scared to talk to him, as i suppose i usually am, but more so now.. for a stupid and disappointing reason. im scared that in the 1.5 month time away hes had, he wont want to be around me anymore. like, if hes "graduated" from being my friend. i was never his only friend so i dont know why i think this - hes always had other friends that he probably likes more than me, considering im so stiff and awkward around him. i get scared he'll leave if i push him too far, but he really likes to playfully bully between friends, but i have an urge to sanitize myself so he wont get upset, but i go so far that i dont have anthing to say. i tell myself, maybe in the time that he was away, he realizes that theres no difference if im there or not, so theres no point in keeping me around. i tell myself, one day, with no warning and unexepctedly, ill get a message from him saying "i dont want to be friends anymore. you bring no value to my life and you only drain me." again though, hes never said anything like that to me (at least genuinely haha, ive learned that a lot of what he said when he broke up with me was just empty words to try to get me to hate him, which didnt work because im a pathetic whelp with no backbone that will let myself be yelled at and apologize instead of standing up for myself) actually quite the opposite. hes very nice to me. he talkes to me a lot and sometimes when its something i can actually contribute conversation to, we have some nice long talks. my favorite was when we talked about what the minecraft movie would be like if it was actually good. so just like how i was telling myself to ignore my own thoughts when i start thinking mean stuff about him, ill have to do it more. and it feels good when im right. it feels good when i tell myself, "stop worrying about him leaving you for some random reason on some random day, he wouldnt do that to you, he isnt lying to you, dani is your friend and he doesnt hate you" and its actually true. of course, i have no way of knowing that in advance. if i tell myself "just believe him for once" now but later on he does end up telling me hes always hated me, then itll really suck and ill probably be really really sad. itd be hard to try again. but i think i have to try now, for the first time. i know a relationship (not necessarily romantic) suffers when theres a lack of trust, and telling myself everyone will leave me if i step too far out of line will only help me push those that i care about further and further away.i dont want that to happen with dani Again, so i want to trust him. its been hard ignoring my nagging thoughts trying to scare me whiter than a sheet though, so im putting it down on paper. E-paper. i hate typing on my phone and under no circumstances am i keeping a paper diary. i could just keep it in a text document, but then it doesnt look cool like a website - even though this specific page is.. about as private as a text document would be. unless someone manages to guess the link to it. i think ive grown the size of this html file by 3x just from this entry and im not even done... ill become the worlds worst consumer of paper. anyway, writing it down makes me feel better. just before typing all this out, i felt like i was going insane. i had a pretty good day and i was trying really hard to hide how terrible ive been feeling from Sam (i know if i say i want to go home he will immediately feel guilty for it and try to send me directly home, even though we have plans that require me staying here until the end of JULY!) but i lie down in bed alone with my thoughts for just a few minutes and im shaking, trying not to cry, feeling weird and itchy all over in a feeling i really cant describe. but typing it out makes me feel better.

also, i have to tell the truth. the reason i havent updated my diary in like 6 months was because the last time i updated it was right when dani was going to read it. we made an agreement that if i get to put his name on my website in my dream diary, then he gets to read my normal actual diary. so i filled it with a lot of entries that i finally published when i had a dream about him, and i guess he read it. im not really sure. he did read my dream, though that was really embarrassing. i didnt really want him to because in that dream (and in almost every dream i have about him) (ironically (?), including one i had just the day before he came back!) im in love with him and hes mostly neutral to me, if not our relationship being completely one-sided, where he doesnt even know i exist. i'm not disgusted about having dreams where i feel like that about him, but i feel like its wrong anyway. I cant really control what i dream about but i feel like im wrong for dreaming about him in this way. he hasnt made any kind of suggestion or implication that he likes me, so i dont know why i dream stuff like him coming all the way to florida just to spend time with me. but i feel like i deserve to stop.

i admit that the last time i updated it was just so dani could see to say this: he wont be looking anymore so now ill be a lot worse. im so much more candid here because i know he wont scroll all the way back in our discord messages just to find the link to my diary again. + i doubt hes bookmarked it beause ive been so inactive for so long that even if there was a time he was regularly checking for updates on this site, he shouldve forgotten/given up on me remembering it even exists by now. + ill admit this websites theme is an eyesore to read large batches of text with. the line spacing is kind of.. really low.. its easy to get lost when theres a lot of text... and i personally experience really bad eyestrain when i try to read anything on my website. i like it cause it looks cool but if youre interested in reading anything and dont want to burn your eyes id seriously suggest copying everything into like a word document or something. + this entry is fucking huge. probably have to scroll for a good minute before you get past it, especially on a phone (where its even worse to read). i go in circles a lot in this oddly deranged diary entry and when theres so much to read and yet so much of it is me saying stupid useless random bullshit... i wouldnt read it even if i was madly in love with me.

Ugh. It begins again. I'm happy for just a little bit and something else, something random, something completely uncontrollable comes by and I overreact about it like a loser. It's times like these that I really consider proudly claiming that autism diagnosis... the way autistic people talk about meltdowns (the less severe ones, the only "meltdown" I've had was when I was on a tour bus and the loud music and flashing lights and people touching me made me feel so crazy I broke down crying uncontrollably and only stopped when I got in bed and went to sleep) feels so much like what I go through. I'm not sure if my experiences are fundamentally different from "normal" peope getting stressed and overstimulated though. Autistic people always say "things that seem minor to others eventually builds up deep inside an autistic person and ends up in a great release of pent up frustration, even if the final trip that set it off was something as unfortunately minor as the weather being too hot" and it feels, truly like that should apply to whatever I do. I mean, if I were to list all the things in the past week that made me feel this way...

... It's just, these... these aren't issues. These aren't problems real people in the real world face. I have literally nothing to be upset about. I'm a stupid whiny baby that cries when she doesn't get her way. But still, it sends me over the edge when the smallest thing upsets me. It isn't just sadness either, I don't have a particularly low tolerance for sadness. It's every negative emotion - I put down a plate too loud and the loud noise it produces makes my skin crawl and if it's too intense I have to "shake it out". I wonder - if I knew there was actually something wrong with me - something I could put into words other than "oh I guess I just get sad really easily!" - would I be kinder to myself about it? Do I really even need a reason to be sad? Would being told "yeah I guess you do need medicine for whatever is going on with you" make me realize I should be approaching it in a more realistic way, or would I still act the same over it? It's hard to come to a conclusion about this, because obviously if I already know I'm not "normal" then I should already be approaching my issues with a more realistic approach than just telling myself I should stop whining. Yet, I'm still stuck here. Because I know I shouldn't diagnose myself with something as serious as Autism. I know some 19 year old on the internet saying "I have autism please be nice to me" isn't going to kill anyone or anything but I think it'd be really embarrassing if I said I had autism and the reason I act like this is actually just... because I have depression or something. Maybe if I had some xanax or whatever I'd be normal.

About that twitter thing... it got so bad I had to uninstall the damn app today. My Whole Entire Fucking Feed is just some fucking bullshit about eating disorders, starving, transphobia (the real kind, not the kind people on twitter cry about, I mean serious "men in dresses should be castrated and hung" bullshit), some other alt-right freak making fun of anyone that isn't white and european, transwoman puppygirl twitter where everyone talks about dog penis and incest (it hurts on a whole different level knowing the puppygirl community is people talking about shit like "i want to be knot and bred until my head is all fluffy" instead of "i like to play with toys and chew things and wag my little tail yay".. truly disappointing), and worst of all selfharm twitter. I could just barely deal with people saying anyone with a BMI above 5 doesn't deserve to be alive, I know not to take those people seriously. But seeing someone's wrist really slashed open almost down to the bone was pretty much the last straw. Visually seeing or hearing depictions of self harm don't usually trigger me, but that doesn't mean I want to see it without going out of my way to look for it. Having it just randomly appear on my twitter is a liability and I'm not willing to put up with it any longer, especially considering I literally don't even get posts I like anymore. Entire sections of my feed just full of "got it, we won't recommend posts like this to you anymore..." at that point theres no reason to use that shit anyomre. I don't have instagram (got suspended) or twitter and I've permanently swore off ever scrolling a single post on tiktok (I only have it to look at posts my dad sends me) so basically the only social media app I have left is pinterest. Maybe this'll do good for me... whenever I take my social breaks and uninstall instagram I always feel so much happier. I don't have long term results because I'm pretty sure that if I went longer than 5 days without talking to Sam I wouldn't be on this planet anymore, but for a while it feels nice. I pay more attention to my hobbies like clay scultping and reading and gaming than I do instagram so it's almost like letting your dog out the yard to run around for a little bit. Whatever that Motherfucker did to that app in the past week... i hope he pays for it.

Funnily enough, despite the unwilling exposure to people who only seek to reaffirm the idea that I should hate my own guts (pun intended), Sam recently said something to me that made me feel a lot better about myself. It feels a bit rude to claim this as the words that "healed" me when in the same sentence he was actually comparing us and saying I "look better", but I don't think that's the reason it had the impact it did on me. It just felt like a nice thing to hear. Basically, he said something along the lines of how I'm "proportioned well" and while that doesn't fix everything about how I feel about myself considering most of my insecurities are based around my face and personality and skin and general weight and clothing and interests and voice, it's a good start and it feels weird for something to actually feel good for once. Even when i'd say I'm at a pretty low point for emotional health right now, it feels like there's something inside that was put back together after hearing that about myself. Even if I don't necessarily think it's true.

In better news, this page is now entirely private! I reconsidered my reasoning for making my diary 90% private in the first place and I realized making it a real trouble to get to didn't change anything about those pesky "everyone who reads this laughs at me for being such a loser" thoughts. It sucks to have to do this, but since the url leading to this page is nontypical (usually youd expect the diary page to be aptly named "diary.html") pretty much no one is going to find it at all, even through manually typing out pages. At this point, it feels really useless to have this page exist at all, since I could really just write it all down in my own physical journal or phone app, but I've already explained why that is a HORRIBLE idea for me to do. Technically, this page is still public. I would feel like a fucking buffoon with my bare ass out really writing all the unfiltered thoughts I have for ANYONE to see, regardless of the chances of anyone actually seeing it. This shame-esque tactic I put in place practically forces me to gather my thoughts before writing them down and prevents me from spiraling further.

Also good news, I've finally really decided on a school! Can't remember if I've updated about that yet. it will be fully online and my parents have approved of me going. I hope the tuition isn't too heavy on their pockets... I'm also considering a job at my local pet shelter. I'm planing a very secret trip and I want to at least try to fund 80% of the money I need from not mooching off my parents and since this will be me and Sam's first solo trip without any guidance, it's kind of a lot of money. We need somewhere to stay, somewhere to eat, money for travel, money for entry to certain places... I'll try and get my drivers license before then so the price doesn't skyrocket having to get an uber/bus everywhere but I guess no promises. I also have quite the small time limit so... hopefully I can raise it all in time...!!! eek im so scared

I'm happy to be happy again. Everything feels weird, but I feel happy. It isn't how it's supposed to be - I'm still doing nothing with my life. But I think I'm happy. Maybe it's because I've had my own room for the past, like, 2 or more months? It's a beautful luxury to have. The ability to walk around pantless and do whatever I want without worrying about someone having to question me why I'm doing it is beautiful. I wish I had a job so I could live in my own house! Yknow, speaking of, I think I've decided on what kind of job I'm going to do. I'm going to be a computer (or maybe general technology) repairman. I feel like it isn't really the best job for me - when it comes to my own technology, I'm so scared of irreperably breaking it that I need to ask for help every other step. Having to entrust myself with someone elses prized (and expensive!) possessions seems like a terrible idea. But I want to do it! I love a lot about computers, but really specifically the hardware. Coding and developing software is entirely out of my grasp no matter how many times I try and I greatly admire anyone who knows how to do any of that stuff, even if it isn't anything impressive by their standards. Getting anywhere past print("hello world!") is a miracle to me. Why else do you think my first option was to learn HTML?

I've discovered some interesting feelings about myself. I think computers are really cute. I'm opening my view to seeing how others consider objects/vague ideas (e.g. the number 7) attractive, and I started thinking that way about computers. I don't mean humanoid robots or computers with personalities/faces, I really just mean computers. Primarily desktop computers with large towers, the obsolete kind, not the see-through kind with a bunch of light up colors that flash everywhere. Those are vulgar. I don't think of them as cute in a human way either - almost like a pet or something. Not really attractive to me. I think I've felt this way for a really long time. Usually about liquid-cooled PC setups, and especially about mineral oil dunked setups. For some reason, it makes me very happy to see a computer boot up and see all the liquid pulse through its veins and its fans roar to life. I feel a sense of belonging when I see them.

Hilariously, I've started considering the same for trains. Still, not modern high speed trains, though those are quite similar to long-snouted dogs to me. I mean those real Locomotives. I think their sheer size and the way they snake around on train tracks make them really cute, again, like a pet of some kind. This is hilarious because autistic people are stereotyped for liking trains a lot. This is also increasingly more hilarious because I used to constantly play this one game on my 3DS when I was younger, where the literal only thing you do in that game is control a train and stop at a bunch of different train stops. I also used to play a lot of train games on Roblox when I was younger where all you did was... sit on a seat and ride a train. Ask yourself, will I continue to deny the autism allegations? You god damn bet I will!

Another significant change that I can't remember if I've noted it down before: I like watermelon a lot now. In the past I used to be scared of eating it, but my mom bought it for me one day and it was... really really good. I have to wonder if they're GMOing them over there to make them taste like straight candy. I know living in a tropical state like Florida makes it hard for fruits to not taste golden and perfect, but damn. It feels like I've gotten over a significant fear in my life, for some reason.

Anyway, back to feelings. I'm happy. I'm hanging out with Sam a lot and I just feel very at peace. Not much crying going on lately, I know this won't continue for long but I'm happy to be away from it for now. Christmas is approaching soon and my parents say that if I get to school by the time it comes around, Sam would get my request of a meta quest 2. And I've been talking to my parents about going to fully online school, not just 3/5 days online, and they say yes! Hopefully I'm not such a failure that I can't go through with even that.

Also: I got a lava lamp! yay! I've been wanting one for years! I think they're adorable... they're wonderful. such a beautiful glow.

It's almost been a month. A lot has happened. Not bad, not exactly all good (mostly good), and as I'm writing this I'm in Dallas Airport. Going back home. I'll recap and diary-enter every significant thing that has happened.

So, I did go see KoRn, and it was wonderful. I had a lot of fun singing along... it felt weird to be around so many "like-minded" people. They could be so insanely different from me, so much so that we couldn't even have a proper conversation without a fight, but at the same time, it felt incredibly unionizing I guess? That's what singing the same song with probably a thousand other people does to you I suppose. The only other concderts I've ever been to where bands I only knew of , I wouldn't say I was fans of them and certainly not big enough fans to know literally any of their song's lyrics. But Korn... that's the first band I saw live that I've actually enjoyed more than one song of. Embarrassingly enough though, they were singing a few songs I didn't know the lyrics to. I kind of felt like a poser... But I'm still only maybe halfway through their entire discography! That's probably more than most Korn fans can say they've listened to, considering their first mayve 5 albums are the only ones that are actually listenable... not to me though. I do like KoRn III. The only person on earth I think. Anyway, I didn't get many videos of the concert itself, I was too busy singing along and uhm, trying to dance/headbang along. This concert experience unfortunately cemented my claims that I fucking hate dancing. Unfortunately, when KoRn actually came on stage (spiritbox and gojira were opening for them, awesome performances, gojira didn't play ocean planet though :'( but it was cool to see them live, they had pyrotechnics) the entire stadium stood up and didnt sit back down. I could only get up for my favorte songs and usually had to sit halfway through... even without any other movement like attempting to keep a steady beat with literally any part of my body. It hurt a lot, but it was really worth it in the end. It makes me want to see some more bands live (limp bizkit maybe) but that's never happening... too expensive and anyone I like will probably die before they go on tour again or before I get the money to see them.

Also, me and Sam went out all on our own for the first time in ever, I think. Not just being out on town on our own - I think we've done that before. But we got dropped off and picked up by his parents. This time around, we rode the bus to and from what's basically downtown 2. Because it wasn't really downtown but it acts the same. We went out and went to a boardgame cafe and played cards against humanity for like an hour straight. It was a lot of fun. I quite enjoyed riding the bus - Sam, not so much, but I'm not really sure what he was so nervous about. He wasn't the one navigating us and having to decide when to pull the cord to ask the driver to stop. That part was really scary.. if I pulled the cord and they stopped at some place I wasn't expecting, it doesn't technically mean I'd be in trouble, but I was still scared because I'd feel bad for wasting everyone's time.

Me and Sam also got all the way to season 7 of the walking dead together. Of course, I already finished it with my sister, and watched 2 of the spinoffs (those who live + daryl dixon), but Sam had been wanting to watch it so I decided we should watch it together. The reason we only got to season 7... well, the same reason basically everyone else on planet earth only got to season 7 episode 1. Sam had only been watching past, maybe season 3 or 4 just to see Negan... I warned him that he would hate Negan, not because he's a self-absorbed asshole, but because of what he does. Specifically to Glenn. We continued anyway, and the moment Glenn died, he took it off and we started doing something else. It's really funny because Sam was so excited to meet Negan and really liked him for the first maybe 20 minutes he was introduced and he even killed off one of his favorite characters (abraham) without much issue, but Glenn... his death is what ruined Negan for Sam. He says it's because he wanted Glenn to meet his son or at least see the birth of his child and Negan prevented that, but I still think it's funny and a bit extreme.

Also, I've begun watching Dani play the Silent Hill 2 Remake!!! I'm having a lot of fun. We've also been playing Fortnite a lot recently. I'm happy that we're getting along so well. I can feel myself getting more comfortable around him. ^_^

Also, perhaps not immediately noticable - This page is now a secret! I started getting increasingly more nervous that people reading my diary are somehow judging me or that writing all this was going to catch up to me one day, in a negative way, somehow. So I removed all the pages that had a link back to my diary other than the glossary. So, anyone who wants to read my diary would have to go through my dream diary first, see the link that says "back to diary", and be interested enough to click on that. It's obviously not foolproof and I don't think I want it to be. I've always wanted a secret page anyway, but I wasn't sure how exactly to make it be accessible - one specific clickable area on a page that is otherwise inconspicious? A long winding tunnel of sprawling links that seem to lead nowhere until you finally reach the end of the tunnel? Some kind of secret code scattered throughout all the pages of my website? It was too much work and I'm too stupid to come up with a properly engaging mystery.

Overall, I feel satisfied, in a way. It was an enriching time I had at my cousins house. Not much bad happened - I think we fought maybe once, and most of our plans were canceled because he was too tired, which was pretty disappointing, but I can't even lie... I was also quite tired so I was a bit relieved. Also, I got to eat some delicious food that Sam's mom (my aunt) cooks. At my house, all we really eat is rice and chicken, or other various dishes that mostly consist of rice or chicken (maybe pork if I'm lucky). I eat it sometimes, but 9 times out of 10 I eat some other junk food instead or cook my own meal (white rice). I just don't really care for the way my grandma prepares chicken, and though her rice is very good, at the end of the day it's... just white rice. I can't bring myself to eat the same exact meal of white rice every single day. At Sam's house though, they eat a lot of various foods. I ate this delicious chicken with corn and cheese and cream... It was sooo good, I had I think three seperate servings and then begged my aunt to make another dish and had more of that. I even ate the spicy version when we ran out of the normal version... I hate spicy food! I also ate this delicious soup. I forget what it was called, but I believe it was Mexican. I went for seconds every time she made it. Speaking of food, it's pretty funny that every time we ate together, Sam would always comment on the sheer amount I ate. It surprisingly didn't make me feel very fat, I think because Sam himself eats like a slice of bread every day, so I don't exactly take his shock at how much I eat (which admittedly is a lot but it isnt that much) as genuine or something to be worried about. He could be full off half a chicken leg and I could eat enough for his entire household and still be hungry enough that my stomach growls just 3 hours later!

It was a really long entry, but that's only because I think this has been the most eventful month of like, my entire life, minus maybe the month where I was born. I went out so much, I ate so many different things, it was a lot of experiences for me. Also because I waited so long to update my diary. Hopefully next time it won't take up my entire computer screen.

I'm in New Mexico now. I'm visiting my cousin, here to see Korn live. I'm excited. Quite contrarian to the mood I've set for the post, I'm aware. I'll get into that stuff later... for this part of the post, I'm excited. I love spending time with Sam and I'm so fucking excited to see Korn. I'll be in the same state, in the same city, in the same 10 miles of Jonathan Davis.. Sometimes when I think about it I get so excited I can't breathe. Gojira and Spiritbox will also be there - I quite like Gojira's music (the one album I've listened to, From mars to Sirius) but I haven't heard any of Spritbox... I'm still excited though! If they're opening for Korn, they cant' be that different!

That's tomorrow though. Today (and the past 4 days or so that I've been here) I've been kind of miserable. If you're seeing this, it's not your fault Sam. Well, only one time, when we agreed to watch a movie together and you left for like an hour without saying anything and I thought you were mad at me. But I was having a bad day before that anyway, so it was kind of like the straw that broke the camels back. The feather that broke the dam, if you will. Anyway yes, I feel awful. I can't go to sleep without crying and I feel.. quite....... Off, about my own self. Usually I'm fine - I might be down for a few days, think the worst of myself and get very close to relapsing, and then go straight back to normal after maybe 3 days of that - I'd consider that the length and intensity of a normal "depressive episode" for me. But I don't think this will be ending pretty soon. I haven't had my period for, according to my health app (which I use to track it and which I often forget to update), 72 days straight. a little bit over 2 months! And since I'm assuming this episode is caused by my period, and my period always lasts longer the longer it takes for it to come back, I might be fucked.

Slightly related, I think a lot about this time I saw someone online say something about how having a phone that gives us constant unfiltered access to other people has really ruined our perception of a relationship/friendship. I think about how they said that it was and still should be normal for people to just not really talk for days on end, not exactly multiple months long breaks from each other but that two people weren't normally having every-single-day interactions back before phones were really a thing unless they lived right next to each other or worked in the same place. And even then, it would only be for a few hours/minutes of the day. I think it's really fucked with me. Whenever someone doesn't talk to me for even just a day, I immediately assume the worst. They've died, they hate me, they think I'm disusting, they're upset at me, they killed themselves because they hate me So Much that they don't even want to imagine being around me anymore. I don't know if that's the insecurity talking or if that's the whole constantly connected to the entire world wide web brain rotted part of me talking. Either way, I'm pretty sure I've been spoiled. Me and Sam literally talk all day every day about anything. I think I consider that true friendship. I'm not really desiring any new friends, but it would be really nice if I could extend that same interaction style with the other friends I already have. I'm quite scared though. It was already difficult getting over the whole "nobody cares in the slightest about what I do all day or what I think about anything or my mere existence - why should I force them to listen to and reply to rants about it out of pity?" thing with just one person and that one person has been my best friend ever since I was conscious + was giving me constant support and reassurance, it's going to be pretty much impossible allowing that thought process to extend to anyone else.

Final addition; I used my notes app to vent when I didn't have access to my computer (to update this diary) for the first time 2 nights ago. It was odd. The things I wrote there... completely unfiltered and full of meaningless self-degrading garbage talk. Close to being literally indecipherable. I won't be posting any of it, because now that I'm reading back on it, I'm pretty sure I was having some kind of breakdown. It was weird to just spill my thoughts out with no filter necessary. I will still be opting to use this online public diary because it's better for me to not have an outlet to write everything I'm thinking, unfiltered. My thoughts unfiltered are just full of, basically, like poison. There are a few meaningful and actually impactful thoughts I write down, but for every one sentence that's actually reasonable in those rants, there are at least 25 "I don't think I desere any kind of happiness" sprinkled throughout. I think it's best to not even give those thoughts a platform. I can let them stew around in my head all day and night, but once I actually put them to visible, readable words, that's when they become "real", I think. Like manifestation but instead of manifesting the idea that I'm going to become a billionaire overnight I start writing down "I am fucking stupid and useless" over and over again and that actually has an impact on my mental health. Sounds pretty reasonable to believe...

P.S. I will update my dream journal soon I swear... the more dreams I put on the backburner the longer I procrastinate updating ALL THAT and then the more dreams I have which increases the list length and then the harder and more effort it takes to blah blah blah blah KEEP AN EYE OUT

I've vowed to myself to never reread what I post in these diaries. I started it as a way to think about my feelings in a deeper way and so I could work on my memory issues, but I know if I go back and read just a sentence of what I've written before I'll feel so ashamed I'll want to delete the website as a whole. I know one day I'll forget about it - maybe in the future when I finally start being a useful and productive member of society, maybe just in a week when I stop brooding over some problem I got myself into and am fully able to get myself out of and don't feel the urge to cry my sorrows into a digital notebook I hope no one reads, but one I simultaneously leave public for everyone to see. Every time I feel the urge tugging at me, telling me I should delete this useless website that only takes up space on the internet, I try so hard to think about someting else. I don't want to delete it - I don't want every hobby I pursue to be seen through the scrutinous eye that it has to be useful for me to enjoy it.

It feels weird to always come back to this diary after a week or two of absence after swearing I would use it often to keep myself sane and always come back with some kind of "life update". It feels like when fanfiction writers on AO3 talk about how the new chapter was delayed because their aunt remarried after her old husband died by getting blown up in an oil tanker car accident and half their house ended up catching on fire and other various antics... Thankfully, this time around, I have no life updates. Just feelings to talk about (yay).

The feelings in question: if it wasn't obvious already, edginess, but also, excitement. I'm so excited! I'm going to see KoRn live, and on top of that, I'm able to visit Sam! I'm excited. It's only been a full year since the last time we saw each other. I'm sad I'll only be staying for a week, but we already plan to do the best things we could possibly do in that week: go to the mall (entirely for Spencers and this one anime store), watch a movie, and play games together!!! Yay!

I often wonder if it's been my own refusal to trust and believe others is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It obviously is, right? But, I make a strong effort to keep it to myself now. In middle school, I really had no self awareness, and thought it was the funniest thing ever to make fun of myself - typical middle schooler behavior. But now I know that kind of stuff is lame and makes everything pretty awkward. I only think those kinds of things to myself, so no more asking all my friends "hey, do you hate me? can you prove you don't hate me?" once a week. I know now that kind of thing is a lot to deal with and pretty unfair to expect anyone to happily put up with it. But I wonder if me just thinking this way is enough to ruin something. It keeps me from saying many things that I really want to, and it stops me from believing anyone would really want to be around me.

And I think that's where I'll end that thought. I have such a circular way of thinking, often called "spiraling" by friends who experience it first-hand; I ask myself (or someone else) a question, I come to a conclusive answer that should be extremely obvious with the proof provided, and yet, I'm still not satisfied. I continue to go "well, but then why would..." and "if that's the case, then why..." constantly bringing up tidbits of information that don't really have any kind of impact in the end. It's best to stop here before the webpage becomes impossibly infinitely long.

these entires are already getting long enough...

It's been quite a while. Not much monumental has happened, but here's updates anyway:

I don't remember if I've already stated this in the diary before (and I'm NOT going back to reread my entires, I'd rather shoot myself) but I've started watching The Boys... It's alright. My favorite character is Homelander which is very unfortunate. I don't feel very strongly for the show.

I've also started watching The Walking Dead. My favorite character there is Carol. Well, It feels like a bit of a disservice for me to say that I've started watching it and I like Carol despite the fact that I just randomly joined my sister watching it on season five. But it's been alright. I'm starting to watch seasons 1-4 with Sam anyway, but I don't know if I want to rewatch it with him or if he would even want to continue...

My sleeping schedule has been very ass as well. It's terrible. I wake up at 10 pm or later, I last awake until 12 noon, and then pass out again. I keep trying to thug it out and stay up properly, but trying to watch something I'm meant to pay attention to while slowly getting more and more frustrated with the feeling of my eyes burning and my inability to keep up with whats happeing that I just end up giving up.

Emotions-wise (the point of a diary), I've been feeling a few different things. I've been feeling happy that I have a strong interest in TWD, because it's a pretty good show. I don't think that interest extends to the games or the comics (even though I hear that the games are much better than the show) but it's entertaining.

However, I am also struggling with such intense anxiety thinking about school. I'm supposed to sign up this month. I really don't want to... I keep pushing it further and further back. I'm not even really against the idea of school, especially not with the way that this technical school operates. Only two days of the week spent in real-life school and the rest are on the computer, and all the subjects will be focusing on computers, which I love, so it won't be boring to me. I guess I'm just scared of having to talk to the counselor after "accidentally" dodging her calls for weeks because I didn't know how to tell her that I wasnt going to go to school. The anxiety surrounding these thoughts is pretty intense... it makes me feel a really tight feeling in my chest when I don't have aything else to think about.

I am also feeling pretty guilty about something else I did. I want to keep it vague, but I feel terrible for passing up on a wonderful chance I had to spend time with a friend. Speaking logically, I would have been in the wrong for taking it - like the human nature to fall to greed. I was busy doing something else and to abandon what I was doing just to spend time with someone wouldn't have been right. But only afterwards I learned that it actually would have been fine for me to do something like that. I feel weird about it. I try not to act in my own best interest for once and consider the feelings of others and it ends bad.

I'm reading more manga again. I've been scrolling through my phone gallery and sending random screenshots to my friends and I've realized I've read a lot of things and though I may not remember the names of the manga I've read, I remember the stories and the characters with a picture. It feels nice to know that all that I've read wasnt just random pictures and words to me. For some reason, even though I know it wouldn't really matter either way, it feels empowering.

I've been wondering since my last diary entry why I act and think the way I do.

I have some pretty severe "trust issues" that I really want to say go as far as to branch into paranoia at that point, even though I know that kind of thing has to be diagnosed by a professional and it's bad to self-diagnose (but what else would I call being unable to go outside without the fear of being hunted and the constant looming feeling that Someone is watching other than paranoia?).

But, I have no reason to be thinking this way. I've technically been betrayed in my life (who hasn't?) but I wouldn't say I've experienced trauma extreme enough to change my perception of human beings as a whole. I'm not too big into psychology or philosophy either, so It's not like I adopted some "human beings are innately selfish and evil" ideology that makes me hate humanity. I don't willingly keep up with the news, so it's not like seeing daily killings and kidnappings and other atrocities made me lose hope in my fellow humans. So why do I feel this way? I've felt it longer than I can remember. I first realized it wasn't normal when I was talking to Sam one day and offhandedly mentioned how nervous I felt in his (or others) houses because I wasn't sure if they had cameras that were watching me anywhere. That feeling never necessarily went away - I continued to feel that way in my own house, even though my family was never big on home security and we would have no reason to have cameras inside our house. It got worse over time. I would attribute that general decline to me beginning to show an interest in scary content that I have since weaned off of out of genuine fear for my own mental health. The breaking point for it might have been when my fear of infohazards (a kind of creepypasta content where just Knowing about the content in question puts you in serious danger) became a legitimate concern of mine that got so bad I started speaking in codes to Sam out of fear that They would be listening. I had to say things like "They know I know and I can't say much because They will hear me" and at that point I knew I was past the point of no return. I swore off consuming any horror media past 5 PM after that incident (that still hasn't resolved itself).

Despite only one big change being able to be given reasoning, all other questions about my fears remain unanswered. Why am I convinced no one around me is real? Why do I think they're all plotting against me, together, controlled by some organization? I can mostly ignore the feeling if I focus on some other things, but it always comes back to that in the end. I always return to that habit of thinking like that. But I can't say any experience I've gone through or person I've known or stories I've heard is what convinced me to begin thinking like this. I want to say my parents did a fine job of raising me without being too helicopter-y (I became anxious and shut-in later in life for unknown reasons - similar to a flower blooming in the opposite direction, I used to be cheerful and friendly and suddenly turned into someone reserved who prefers to be alone) so I don't think their parenting style is to blame. Is there something locked deep away in my head I can't access? I know intense trauma really messes with your memory, but I just don't think that's what happened to me.

I think a lot. I wish there was a way to stop it. I love it - I feel as though thinking deeply about my actions, my words, my feelings, and my subconscious actions and reactions has made me more aware of myself and better as a person. But it's truly troubling just hitting a wall, unable to continue forward because I simply do not know what to do. I don't know how to continue this train of thought. I'm stuck in a rut always circling back to "how did it all begin?".

Finally, god, it's done! My website is past its beta/alpha stage! It would've been such a shorter time period if I wasn't so inclined to draw every single graphic on my website and include a bunch of random and useless pages... but it's done! Yes! Of course, like with any personally upkept website, this thing will always be under construction, but I've at the very least replaced every image with an original one. Some will be getting replaced at some point in the far future (namely the header picture for some of my shrine pages) and I can't say I'm happy with the quality of all of the drawings but I hate drawing so much and I'm so happy it's finally done. The content isn't done, but at least people can go on the website and not see the remnants of the template I used.

I wish my period would hurry up and come. It has been kind of unsycned this year... 3 months no period and then suddenly a period for 11 days when I used to only have them for 4. Now that it's been unpredictable, I get these sudden mood swings (less of a swing more of an extreme depressive and suicidal episode) and I don't know why until I realize I haven't had my period. It's torture! I swear, the more out of sync it is, the worse the mood swings are from the uncertainty or something.

I'm so tired. I'm tired from all the drawing, all the emotional overload, all the extreme dreams I've been having, all the stress of knowing my grandma is coming back soon, all the unexplainable loneliness. I wish I could take some kind of break where all I had to do was sleep and read manga and listen to music. Not have to eat, not have to cook, not have to talk to anyone other than my best friends and we talk about all kinds of fun stuff instead of being sad and anxious and uncomfortable in my own body (for suspected physical disability reasons :/ I somehow fucked my back even worse and now even just lying down hurts).

I'm glad I still have Roblox. Even though my Wi-Fi is so bad I always get disconnected, I have a huge backlog of games to explore and they've all been so much fun. I'm going to make a Roblox games page for my shrines section with a bunch of games I really recommend. Hopefully someone that likes Roblox sees it and gives these games more popularity. I hope I finally focus on my own game now that I'm sort of done drawing for my wesbite. Still needs a ton of work but It's fun to make things! If you're ever considering creating something but still hesitant (for any reason! other than price) then just go do it! It's fun to experiment and explore! The world would be a better place if more people put out more of their experimental projects instead of ultra polished copy and paste slop.

I started this diary thing in hopes to cure my terrible memory (I've heard journaling helps with bad memory and it's been so bad for a while I'm almost scared I'm losing my mind) but it feels like it isn't doing anything. Days pass without me even noticing.

I wish I could get anxiety medication (legally..) without having to go to the therapist about it. I hate that place. But I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't lie down to go to sleep without thinking about someone dying. If I hear the front door to my house open and one of my family members leave, all I can think about until I turn some music on is car crashes, freak accidents, end-of-the-world scenarios.. the worst part of it all is the more I think about it, the more I think it's going to happen. Like I'll manifest the thought into existence and it'll be all my fault. It gets so much worse when I actually leave the house, because now I start feeling like people are targeting me. Every time someone walks behind me I think they're going to pull a gun out on me. I know this kind of thing isn't normal but I don't know what caused me to start thinking like this and I don't know how to make it stop.

It sucks that I consider myself to be such a fan of horror and be burdened with this kind of thought process. I know none of it is real, but just seeing some scary picture is enough to rid me of comfortable sleep for days. It's kind of embarrassing to sleep with a nightlight at 19 years old but without it I wouldn't be able to close my eyes.

Scared of the dark, of thunder, of spooky ghost stories, can't sleep without my stuffie, and any time anyone leaves my sight I assume they've died (no object permanence).. am I a 4 year old in disguise?

Also: I'm getting back into SCP again. Just the right time to, of course.

I'm doing better now I guess?.. I'm not entirely sure what that was but I'm not crying or upset anymore.

My sleep schedule is unforunately terrible though...

I heard my grandma is coming back in 2 weeks. That sucks. I've been staying in her room for about a month because the privacy is nice and I can do whatever I want whenever I want - I don't have to be constrained by my sisters schedule and I don't have to wear pants all the time. I'll have to fix my sleeping schedule very quickly.

I think me and my mom will cook again today. I'm excited! I love cooking new foods.

Also, I've started "playing" the Sims. I downloaded it a long time ago but recently decided I should disregard all shame and make a sim of myself and make me married to whoever I want. My favorite part so far has been finding a bunch of different clothes and accessories and furniture with CustomContent. I can't build anything because I'm reserving the playing and building time for Sam when I visit his house (october) but I'm excited!!!! He's liked the Sims for so long and has always wanted to play with customcontnt and a bunch of different packs but his computers haven't been powerful enough and the packs are all too expensive. I hope we have fun...

I've been doing so terribly. I feel like I need to take a break from everything for a few days. All I've been doing is sleeping, crying, listening to music, with a few minutes of Roblox in between the rest.

I've decided to start updating my diary more often. I told myself, "I shouldn't limit myself to posting when I have something notable to say. A diary should be somewhere where I can say what I'm feeling whenever I'm feeling it." Unfortunately, this means my website will constantly be pushed to the top of the "recently updated" tab on nekoweb, which means there's a higher chance people will look... I'm nervous! The site isnt completely done yet. I am working on it, though. Drawing is a struggle (and animating much more so, since I've never done this before) but I want to hurry up and finish everything. I've kind of been pushing myself.

On a lighter note, I've been listening to so much music. I love music, it makes me so happy. I made an AlbumOfTheYear account and I realized I listen to so much more music than I thought. I love albums!

I'm trying to convince Sam to make his own website. I think it's working, but he seems very admant that using a template somehow makes him a "failure". I hope he will come around... It would be nice to have websites together!

As I suspected, the Minecraft obsession only lasts for so long. I've already given up hope of completing my builds on that world.

I've been playing so much modded Minecraft and Roblox... last months obsession was DG, this time it's regretevator. I just wish Minecraft's 2 week obsession phase stereotype wasn't a real thing... I really love this game. I've been playing it since like 2012 and I find it so entertaining, the addition of mods makes it 50x more fun, but I really just can't bring myself to play on a world for longer than 2 consecutive weeks, even if I set goals for myself (building and exploration related so it doesn't get stale)....

I'm supposed to be starting college for real soon. I need to sign up first, but now there's no imending doom (family trip) to stop me... I'm so nervous. I hope I like school.

The urge to uproot everything on the website and change the entire theme is always annoyingly present.

First post in this thing... I guess it's a little late to post about it now, but the main thing I'm focusing on is making this website, obviously. I enjoy making it. I remember when I was in middle school I tried really hard to learn HTML. Lol... the most that came out of it was me learning the basic text tags (h, p, b, i, u, li, stuff like that) and... br. I think I've officially sworn off it now. It's fun but I don't think I'll ever get anywhere with it. It's way too complicated for me... using pre-made scripts and themes was embarrassing for some reason, but without them, my website would've looked like black text on white background.

Other than that, I've been playing Dream Game alot. I'm sad I got into it at what seems to be a late time, and I'm too scared to talk to anyone in the community (joined the wiki discord to see if I can contribute anything, just to never send a single message.. lol...), but the game itself is very fun to me. Why else would I sink 40+ hours of my life into it?

It feels nice to get my thoughts out like this.